My Long Journey Home to The Jewish Faith 

Hashem’s hand is on everything. In love. In loss. In laughter. And, yes even in pain. We may not realize it or see His hand at every given moment, but if we take the time to look back with open eyes, the Mighty Conductor is clearly visible. 

Just like when Hashem brought the Jews out of Egypt, Hashem has taken me on a very long Journey home to the Jewish Faith. This Journey began with a connection of souls that can only be described as a love written in the stars. 

In a class that was to be about modern mechanical inventions, by Hashem's providence, I found myself writing a thesis paper on the connections between Eugenics, The Holocaust, and the threat of one occurring again with the inventions of modern science. It was during a deep discussion of the ideas swarming in my expansive mind, that the Heart of Hashem was revealed. In the silent connection of souls, Hashem taught me what His love felt like so that when He showed up, I would be able to know by the feel of Him. That spark of light and love is something I carry with me until this day.

Winter turned into spring. Spring turned to summer. Summer turned to fall. And fall, well, fall fell into a deep dark winter. 

With only 2 semesters of my studies left, the carpet was pulled out from under my feet. I was forced to leave Columbia against my will due to financial factors and decisions that were out of my control. In a moment, all of my hopes and dreams were crushed, yet again. 

Shattered, like glass, and scattered to the wind. Where would I go from here? I did not know, but Hashem did. 

A small beach town in the suburbs of New York. It was there that Hashem would have me start, for it is likely the very spot where my (Jewish) ancestors left Him for false religions. So, it was there Hashem would pick me up and walk me backwards to Home in the Jewish faith. 

There, during a very tumultuous period in my life, Hashem introduced me to a nice Jewish man, who tried to teach me Torah straight from the Hebrew Tanakh, but my heart was not open. I'd never studied any form of religion, so I was not receptive to any truth. Knowing I needed some sort of support system, Hashem then led me to a coffee shop. 

The first Bible Study I ever heard was on Moses and the Burning Bush--feet and fire was all I could comment on. 

But upon that study, Hashem surrounded me with a small, very loving group that became like family and saved my life. The Pastor, the Elders, the women's group all lovingly gave ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. They planted the seeds of scripture in my soul, which I would need to take with me in six months time. 

Hashem knew what was coming: COVID lockdowns, family tragedies, and some of the darkest days of trials. So, before moving me out of that small loving town, Hashem made sure my bag and heart were packed with foundation stones, ensuring I'd have a foundation to stand on when He brought me to a state of isolation.

The meeting of the family and the foundations of faith that Hashem planted were not inconsequential. He knew what was coming. 

Within six months of being surrounded by the loving family in the coffee shop, I had to move. Within six months of moving, COVID hit. Then within three months, family tragedies struck, and I became the caretaker. 

Through it all, as we were locked down, I became locked in to Hashem's word. I spent thousands of hours studying the scriptures, growing the seeds that Hashem had planted in my heart before I left New York. The firm foundations of scripture pulled me through very trying times. 

However, what began with hope and healing in the heartwarming coffee shop quickly turned into dark and dreary days of dread, as abuse from church leaders quickly replaced every truth I was being told. The inconsistencies had me question everything. 

Further, not long after being introduced to the religion that supposedly fulfilled all of Jewish scripture, Hashem started revealing His Jewish truth. I began asking questions, which only opened the doors to more abuse and pain. But, ask questions I kept on doing, which was the key that led straight to Hashem's Jewish Heart.

Not long after being introduced to the scriptures, I was certain that if nothing else Judaism was true. But, the questions of how the Jewish truth fit into the box of the religion that supposedly fulfilled all Jewish truth simply did not add up. 

Eventually, Hashem led me to a "Messianic Congregation." It was there that my soul was compelled to start wearing a Jewish Star, both in necklace form and on some of the ministry work that I was performing at the time. But, this display of Jewishness was highly frowned upon here in the South. 

Then, after a murder attempt on my life for wearing a Jewish Star necklace at work, I had had enough. I knew I needed answers to the mounting questions of my Emunah. The only place I knew to go to get Jewish answers to my Jewish questions was the Nation of Israel. 

I had not traveled in over 20 years. Yet, with little to my name, I planned a self-guided study trip, I packed a bag, and headed to Israel. 

Immediately, I felt at home. The unending heart palpitations that began after the murder attempt immediately ceased when my feet touched the Holy Earth. Then, there in the remnants and ruins of the Jewish Nation and Jewish Faith, Tanakh truth was alive. At every ancient Jewish sight, an intense Holy Light followed me around (some of which can be seen in the photos and videos of the Am Yisrael Chai! section on this website). 

After having a heartfelt conversation with a Jewish grandmother one evening in the Hostel I was staying at, she said, "my dear, I think you are Jewish!" 

She made the suggestion to buy a strictly Hebrew Bible and “just read and see what Hashem has to say.” She said, “I know it will be hard, but as you read do not try to fit anything you are reading into any box of things you’ve been taught before. Do not write any notes. Just read. Listen. And hear with your heart and soul what Hashem has spoken.” 

I began this practice while in Israel. I bought a Siddur and just read the prayers and the scriptures contained within. I did not know the proper practice of the daily Jewish prayer life at that time, but it was in the "just reading" that my soul began to be cleansed and find answers to the questions about my faith. 

As I traveled through the vast beauty of the Holy Land, however, there was an ominous sense building. One day, after about a month into my trip, I had a day were I just could. not. stop. crying. Shortly thereafter, I found out why.

I have always had what I call an 8th sense--an uncanny ability to know things without really knowing how. Or at the very lease sense things that are happening or will happen, even if the signs are not necessarily out in the open. Even if the events or actions are hidden. 

As I traveled around Israel, there was a mounting ominous sense growing in this 8th dimension of my soul. I sensed that something bad was going to happen. And soon. 

It was palpable. 

Then, after a night of celebration, and singing, the entire atmosphere shifted.

In the wee hours of October 7th, I awoke to the sounds of birds and bombs. The High Holy Day of Sukkot had just concluded and Simchat Torah had begun. The atmosphere in Camp David was calm and peaceful, which was then abruptly disrupted by bomb sirens and explosions of white smoke as David’s Sling intercepted Hamas bombs overhead. 

The stark disparity between birds and bombs.

 It's jarring. 

Yet, the true disparity is not anything that can properly be put into words. 

At first, it was as if my mind and body could not sense the danger. My 8th sense was calm as I sat reading Lamentations from the back of my Siddur as the sun rose.

It's ironic, isn't it?

On what is usually the most joyous day of the Jewish year, I was reading Lamentations. Why? Well, in the earthly sense, my Siddur was the only form of hard-copy text I had in my possession (I had decided to use a digital bible on my trip for most of my routine daily readings). Since I was honoring and respecting the Jewish Holy Day's observance, I did not want to use my digital bible. So, I kept reading my Siddur. I had finished Ruth. So, Lamentations was next in the scriputre (Megillah) portions held in the pages. 

In the heavenly realms, it turns out, Lamentations is fitting for all that transpired that day.

In an instant, I was shaken into reality. In an instant, I knew the threats had become a reality.

It took a while to comprehend all that had transpired. To this day, there is still a lot that I have not fully processed even after going through all the stages of grief and mourning: depression, denial, anger, bargaining with Hashem, and then eventual peace.

 In the processing, however, Hashem has been the greatest teacher. Since being home, I have followed the old Jewish grandmother’s advice to “just read” my Tanakh. Day after day, month after month, year after (almost another) year, I am growing stronger and more grounded in the Jewish faith. 

Looking back, the test of war was fitting and made perfect sense as far as the timing in my own journey. Just like the Israelites, whom Hashem took the long road round to the Promised Land, so too Hashem has taken me the long way round so that, when I saw war I would not go running back to Egypt and false gods. Too, being so shaken, it seems, is was exactly what I needed to drive my Jewish faith home. 

It was as if Hashem took me the shoulders, looked me square in the heart, and said, “Choose this day whom you will serve!” 

I proudly choose Hashem, the Jewish faith, and Torah.

Am Yisrael Chai!

After coming home from Israel in October 2023, the real fight for my soul began. 

For over a year, I followed a wise old Jewish grandmother's advice to "just read and see what Hashem has to say." I allowed myself to grieve, to cry, to get angry (as we all must do from time to time), and to mourn. 

Then, I had to decide. 

Do I commit to the Jewish way of life or do I walk away from any form of faith all together? Do I pretend to be a "good x-tian girl" to make the hate and abuse stop? Do I hide my Judaism and practice only in secret? My soul was in turmoil, but eventually after the full grief process, I proudly chose Hashem, the Jewish faith, and Torah. 

Chose is not really the proper word to use. I actually did not choose at all. Every ounce of me truly and honestly wanted to "choose" to walk away and throw in the towel if only to make the abuse stop. But, against my mind's judgement, my soul could not let go. 

This inability to let go of the Jewish faith, of Hashem, of His Torah is the connection of the Jewish soul and Hashem: the spark that Hashem will not extinguish. Though we may be like reeds bending in the wind, He will never let His Jewish people completely snap and die out. He has made us a promise: we will survive all hate, all abuse, all wars, and all evil. 

In the end, He will reign, His peace will reign, and His love will fill every dark corner of this world. 

Like many Jews after October 7, 2023 the antisemitism I've faced has only grown in severity and frequency. Where I live, there is no Jewish community close enough for me to get to. Thus, though I stand alone physically, Hashem has proved to be the very mighty rock on which I can lean and stand. He has proven that He is All Sufficient. That He Alone is the teacher of all truth. That He alone will care for those who are left uncared for. 

He has walked me through the grieving process and has extended unending mercy and grace.

Thus, like Jacob, I've wrested with God, with man, and with scripture. Though I've come out limping, I've come out with clear vision of Biblical Truth and Jewish Faith. 

Am Yisrael Chai!

Yes, even though I am not your typical Jew, I am Jewish & I Am here to write about It. 

Many people have attempted to silence me, my work, and my questions. Yet, despite all of the abuse and attempts to take away my civil liberties and my life, Hashem has held me fast. Though my feet slip (on occasion) under the weight of the heinous hate, I am still here. 

I am still standing. 

I am still fighting.

I am still loving.

I am still living.

And I can proudly say, I am a Jew. 

The experiences that Hashem has allowed me to walk through have given me a unique perspective, a deep understanding, as well as a deep-rooted Jewish faith in a very short period of time. 

The questions and abuse have only proven to make me stronger. The abuse and neglect make me rely on the Only Source of all power--Hashem. Thus, I know am not perfect. I know I may not be your typical Jew. But, for the sake of Hashem's holiness and glory, I will continue shining a light in the darkness.

With Hashem at my side, I press on. Little by little, glimmer by glimmer, hoping to shine Jewish truth for me, for my family, and for my fellow beloved Jews. Love me or hate me, my reply is the same, “Yay though they slay me, yet will I praise You Hashem!” 

And I will write. 

Am Yisrael Chai!

Hashem does not deny the existence of other gods. Indeed, He told us that He has created them to be assigned to other people who are not His elect Jewish Israelite people. 

What we must understand however, is that these small-g "gods" are created beings. They are divine created entities that have a station that is higher than humans, but they are not Big-G gods that compete with Hashem in any way. 

Indeed, these small-g divine entities are created by Hashem, and so they can only do His will. Like the Adversary, who is a small-g divine being, these divine created entities go about the earth to do Hashem's will. In Job, we see them be used for testing. In Sodom, we see them used for destruction. In Judges, we see them used to bring divine messages of miraculous births.

Though these entities are not Big-G gods, for a time, Hashem has assigned these entities to be worshipped by others. Belief in these various beings have led to the formation of the various religious systems that we have on earth today. These systems have been fortold by Hashem to be means of not only judgement (for Jews who go astray), but also to draw people close to Himself.

My own case is proof of this latter point. Like me, there are likely many Jews trapped in false religions. Indeed, the lost 10 Tribes of the Northern Kingdom are those most likely to be among the Jews in false religion. But, Hashem promises that in the end of days, He will work in manner that will ensure not one of His beloved Jewish people is left behind. No matter how far a Jew has strayed. No matter which den of wolve he or she is currently crouched in, Hashem will search for them and bring them home. He is the good Shepherd. He will gather in all of His lost sheep!

Too, in the end, all other false small-g divine beings will be put to an end. 

One of the signs of the days of moshiach, will be the destruction of all idols, false gods, and false belief systems. At that time, every eye on earth will see, every tongue will confess that 

Hashem alone is God, LORD, King, and Creator of everything in heaven above and earth below.

May it be speedily in our days!

Am Yisrael Chai!